Clarence the Camel and Stuff

Remember back when I posted to this blog and was all like "Hey I'm writing this for school but you should read because I'm all sarcastic and stuff" and then I stopped posting completely because my assignment was done and I moved on with my life and pretty much disappeared and lost the ability to write correctly hence this run-on sentence chicken liver?

Well. I kind of want to blog again. But I don't really want to start all over. I like this blog. I at least like my blog name. Obviously I won't be writing about peeves. But that doesn't mean I've suddenly started liking "lols" (still hate them with passions (yes, plural. I create another hateful passion just for "lol's"... it's that bad)). Also, double parenthesis at the end of a sentence is just awkward- see previous sentence.


Anyways, I'm here. I'm Dani. I've done lots since last I posted. I was still pursuing my undergraduate degree in English last time I was here. I'm now pursuing my Master's degree in Applied Linguistics and ESL (Elephants Snorkle, Listen?)  and I'm teaching 4th grade core at a private school here near home.

Core= 11 subjects.. including Latin. Do I know Latin? Nope. What does this look like, you ask? Well, Latin time in class goes something like this:

"Hey childs whom I teach, what's the Latin word for "woman"?"
to which they would reply "*foreign sounding something mumbo jumbo that I don't understand*"
to which I would then respond, after a moment or 12 of teacher insecurity, "I bet you are correct, young one!"

(I'm not joking)

ALSO, big news.. I want to North Africa for 8 months. It was AWESOME. I rode a camel, I called him Clarence. I tried to squeeze his lips, he kept trying to spit at me. It was a beautiful moment. I saved a dog from the depths of despair (also known as "the street"), ate all sorts of fun, new foods (sheep intestine/stomach/liver anyone??), saw places where Star Wars was filmed (! <<< that exclamation point is for those who love those films.. I don't necessarily fall into that category HOWEVER I totes appreciated seeing all the places), I "learned" Arabic and practiced my French... and all sorts of other really neat things that I can't fit into this post unless you want to read a book (don't worry, if you want to hear more.. come see me, I'm brimming with details. Also, future posts will probably include things about my experience because it was THAT big of a deal in my life).

Um that about sums up my life since last we spoke .. er.. last I typed to your eyes? I'm graduated, I'm jobbed, I'm culture-ed... and I apparently didn't have enough of school yet so I'm back at it! No big deal. I'll write more about that another time. Also, I just shared an intimate moment with an ant which consisted of my reaching my hand up to my face and then moving it back to find an ant on it. Awkward. But also lovely. So that's all for now I suppose. I need to face a mountain of clothes on my bed before sleeping can happen (mostly due to no bed space). Next time I'll use pictures to assist my words. Thaaaat's all.

The End (sort of)

*refer to title of this blog entry* It reminds me of that one joke... "I like the phrase "sort of." It's like the ultimate filler... the fall back... "sort of." "Sort of" is good to use after almost anything.. except for some things like "I love you" or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"- Demetri Martin (this man is hilarious. if you've never heard of him, go look him up now)

     So, I've reached my 8th and final blog post for my class assignment. Whether or not I will continue this blog now that class is over, I'm not certain. I guess it will mostly depend on how many things I can find that annoy me enough to write about them. So we'll see. For now, I'll leave you with two last little peeves of mine to close out this assignment. First, wide-ruled paper. Now I'm definitely not super "green" conscious or anything like that but wide-ruled paper seems like the epitome of waste. The paper looks unprofessional and the wide spaces take up so much room that I feel like I write one sentence and then the page is filled up. What is up with that? Unacceptable. All paper should be college-ruled. And if you say to me "well I just can't write small enough to fit in between those lines" don't think I will have sympathy. Anyone can learn to write smaller.. it's a matter of will, not of ability. Those 'a's don't have to be the size of a quarter. Think about it. Really. Use your brain, save the environment. Mostly just use your brain.

And as a final peeve and thought, ever considered the nonsensical money system we have? Why is it that, specifically in the coinage, nickels and pennies are less than but larger in size than dimes? This makes no sense. If you are trying to teach a child the value of money, obviously he/she/it is going to think that "larger" means "more." I mean, this is a philosophy Americans thrive in believing. Triple burger means more meat. Double extra plush super soft fit-for-bears-behinds toilet paper equals longer usage. This is simple knowledge. So why in the name of all that is ridiculous do dimes have to be smaller but equal more than pennies and nickels? Makes no sense. And while we're on that note, why don't bills change in size? As far as I can tell, slap a different president's face on it and change the number and you've got the difference between 1 and 100 dollars. Interesting how that works. Not sure how I feel about it. The dime situation annoys me more. I just thought I'd add the bills for emphasis. Did it work?

So there we have it folks. Two last things to add to this rather significant pile of pet peeves. I've enjoyed this project thoroughly and look forward to possibly continuing it due to some good feedback. Or who knows, maybe I'll branch into another themed blog. We'll see! For now, I thought I'd leave you with one last Demetri Martin joke instead of saying goodbye. He is a funny man and as this blog has mostly not been meant to be taken seriously, I think he fits here perfectly. Ta ta!

"I like to use "I can't believe it's not butter" when I breakfast because when I eat breakfast I like to be incredulous. "Hey man, how was breakfast?" "Unbelievable"

Blinds Out of Sorts

You know those blinds that have the wide seemingly woodish looking/feeling segments that flip up or down with relative ease? Ok well, I have a problem. These blinds can be (and often are) extraordinarily annoying in that when one just ONE of the segments decides to flip in the opposite direction of the others. It throws the entire set off balance. When I see this, it is like I can't be comfortable until I fix it. I could be in bed, 95% asleep- that time when you know you have about 5 more minutes of semi-consciousness left and blissful sleep will be taking over your body soon- when I glance at the window and see an upwards blind in a sea of downwards blinds. I am instantly awake and every fiber of my being is screaming "MAKE IT DOWN... MAKE IT DOOOOWN!!!" Obviously, sleep is out of the question at this point.

While there is a simple solution (ya flip it with yo finger) to the "uncomforming blind" I feel it is a waste of my time and energy to constantly be getting up and fixing them. I think, if we all try really hard, and with today's oh-so-modern and scientific methods, there is a way to permanently fix this problem. Someone should jump on this opportunity and then go on the show "Shark Tank" with your brilliant plan only to be told it's not so brilliant and have them eat you alive (not really. that's only in "JAWS." in this shark tank, they eat you alive with words. Pure, terrifying heart-stopping words). Not to get off subject, but this reminds of that time this guy appeared on that show with his "awesome invention" that consisted of baskets made of recycled chopsticks. Um. Excuse me? Chopsticks? Reeeeally? Who's bright idea was that: "hey, hey guys.. I think we should take these stick thingys out of the trash. I've seen people put gooey gunk food all over them and then stick them in their mouths like utensils. And and guys, it's so sweet cuz they're, like, some of them have like teeth marks and such because people chew on them when they get bored at the table. DUDE guys.. would it not be TOTALLY AWESOME if we made baskets out of these saliva-drenched extra large toothpicks? oh. yes. Up-top for genius-ness *high-five!" Ok but seriously, someone should hop on this blind-fixer-upper idea... think of the moneys! Think of the fame!


...


*twiddles thumbs*




Well, don't all jump up at once, please. Simmer. Simmer down. Really guys? You're going to leave it to me? Gee *enthusiasm reeking* thanks. Sigh. Oh well. It's not the end of the world, I suppose. But I will have you know, that if you happen to be around me and there is an out of place blind on a window in our room, I will not rest in peace until it's fixed.

DRAGONS!!! er... I mean.. something that annoys me!

I recently saw the movie "How to Train Your Dragon." It was amazing and I'd highly recommend anyone going to see it. The animation is beautiful, the story is good and the dragons are awesome! Do you have a dragon? Because I want a dragon. I'll do anything for a dragon. Dragons are fan-freakin-tastic. Can haz dragon pleeeease??? Ahem, anyways, this movie starts off by talking about the "pests" that are the dragons who attack their village.. then after the story, Hiccup, the main boy, ends the movie by saying "the best thing about this village is the pets." Good play on words and good tie-in to the beginning- overall, just plain good (also, I thought this was cool! "Pest" and "pets" have the same letters... anyone else catch this?).


This post has absolutely nothing to do with the movie, but I loved it so much I had to mention it. Maybe I'll incorporate some elusive connection somewhere... hmmm. Okay, moving on... so when we were little, my sister and I got into fights quite often (surprise!). I remember the day my sister discovered the perfect way to exact revenge upon me after I did something exceptionally mean to her. She realized that by throwing one of my precious paperback books across the room, I would be devastated. At that time of my life, there were few things worse than my book covers or pages getting bent. You can imagine my distraught look of suppressed fuming anger and aggravation when I would go to pick up the thrown literary magnificence. I would pick it up, gently fold it back into shape, then place heavy books or something to that effect on top of it to try and restore it's original beauty. Needless to say, I would not be happy with my sister for a few days after that..

By the way, have I mentioned to you how sick and awesome dragons are?!!? I mean, LOOK at them! So freaking cool! Oh and now that I think of it, this is something I do not understand. How did "sick" being "infected with disease" become a term to describe something of awesome value?? It makes no sense to me. "Dude, did you see that infected with disease wave I rode, bro? It was incredible dude, man, bro!" Yeah.. um.. no. And while we are on the subject, how about gay meaning "homosexual" or "having a merry/lively mood"? This is another term I fail to understand with how it is used today. "Gosh, my computer's acting so homosexual and/or merry today! It won't let me upload this file" Oh ok. I see (not really).

Ok back on subject ( I get distracted oft.. did someone say dragons?! *looks around* Crap. False alarm...). Anyways, books. My books continue to be precious to me to this day, quite obviously as I've been an English major for the past 3 years and have had to literally swim in book after book after book. And while I still attempt to take very good care of the ones I own, I admit the occasional bent cover is not QUITE as bothersome to me as it was before. I mean, as long as it's small. And not intentional. And not one of my Harry Potter books. Ahem. But yes, I guess I've grown a little accustomed to the "used book " look. You could almost say it's like in "How to Train Your Dragon" (HAHA! I DID IT!!!) when the dragons they originally hated become the best parts of their village. Except not quite that drastic (ok so it almost worked).. I won't explode when I see it anymore, but I'm not asking for bent covers, that's for sure.

Gesundheit

I don't know about you, but on the often occasion, I sneeze. A lot. I don't mean I sneeze in two's every 3 hours or so. More like I sneeze in 20's... every morning, noon and night. Ask anyone that has had the pleasure of living with me at one point in my life and they will testify to the fact that I sneeze an obnoxious amount of times. Add to this the fact that my sneezes are the opposite of cute. They are anti-cute. They are the epitome of the big, ugly, giant sneeze that would appear to be blowing your brain cells out at the same time. All this loveliness combined makes for one huge mess of annoying-ness, not only for me, the sneezer, but also for you, the casual bystander who never asked to experience such noise.

The biggest problem with this pet peeve of mine is that there really is no solution. Sneezing always has been, and most likely always will be, a big part of my life. Granted, there are those moments where sneezing is a relief and needs to be done, but when it gets ultra excessive and uber loud then it needs to cease.  At this point, being the sneezy pro that I am, I've experimented with various methods to prevent such sneezes. I shall illustrate said methods for you below. For your convenience, I have graded them according to how effective or ineffective they are.


1) Put a tissue/handkerchief/napkin/papertowel/cardboard to your nose for approximately 7 seconds. The result will more than likely be sneezing anyway, but at least you will catch whatever flies out in what you are holding to your nose.
Effectiveness level: -23

2) Plug your nose. When I tried this, I typically ended up stalling the sneeze long enough to build up pressure so immense that my nose literally forced my fingers to fly off my face. If that sounds fun to you, do this one!
Effectiveness level: -15

3) Hold the bridge of your nose between your thumb and forefinger (of one hand). The harder you squeeze, the more the sneeze urge dissipates. If you start hearing the subtle sounds of snapping (similar to the cracking of bones, but definitely NOT that *cough*) stop. Don't ask why. Just trust me. Letting yourself sneeze would be better at this point.
Effectiveness level: 2

4) Place your thumb on the roof of your mouth. "Wait, wasn't this the solution for getting rid of brain freezes??" "Shhhhh... now is not the time for questions, young one." It works for both. And no, you don't look like a stupid face when you do it. Pinky promise.
Effectiveness level: 6

5) Punch yourself in the face.
Effectiveness level: 18

6) Jump off the edge of a very tall place i.e. the Eiffel Tower, Grand Canyon, Mt. Everest. Nothing gets rid of the urge to sneeze like knock-the-breath-out-of-ya wind in yo face... the rest doesn't matter. **
Effectiveness level: 1593

**Disclaimer: I've never actually attempted this one myself, however, I've never heard bad things about this method. Come to think of it, I've never heard anything about this method... hmm. 


Unfortunately, in my case, none of these methods permanently get rid of my excessive sneezing problem. To compensate, I've decided to make sneezing an entertaining moment not only for myself but for my listeners. Instead of the normal "ach-oo" I've changed things up a bit, added a little pizazz, if you will. I've got an amazing build-up sequence which includes much "aaa, aa, aaa!"-ing followed by some noises I've affectionately termed "flibity-dijibbit" which sound similar to someone trying very hard NOT to sneeze (it's clever, really, because I'm fooling my listeners.. gonna take them by surprise, yeah!). Finally, for the sneeze itself, I rear back and let out a huge "AAAAABIIII CHOOOOEEEEEEEEEYYYYY" which results in forcing my head forward. So, I get huge range of motion AND blow the minds of my listeners as they've been taken by surprise of the sheer noise and originality of said sneeze. You may think I'm making all of this up, but I'm not. Ask my mom.

So yes, sneezes are annoying to me, but I've managed to work around them and make them a little less aggravating and a little more entertaining. If you would like to hear samples of what I have talked about, come hang out with me for a day. I promise, you will not be disappointed. 

Next up...

You know what's annoying? Really short insignificant blog posts.

A Few Thoughts on the Grocery Trolley...

Caution: The following post does not necessarily shine a good light on the shopping cart. If this is a potentially offensive topic, refrain from reading. Thank you. Signed, Peeved Anonymous

     Multiple times I have gone into the store in order to, well you know, buy some items (of importance or not is irrelevant here). These items are most efficiently carried in the use of a rolling device known quite universally as the shopping cart or buggy and not so universally as the "grocery trolley" (by not so universally, I mean, I just made this up). However, there have been many times I go to grab the shopping cart and find it sopping wet which means my hands are now wet which means I can't function until I find a towel with which to dry my hands. This also means that whatever I place in the cart will get wet and in order to prevent this I will instead try to carry stuff in my hands which negates the use of the cart to begin with. Not acceptable.

    

     Okay, okay, so we get past the "sometimes wet" cart and begin to think of the functions of the cart itself. What is the cart's purpose? Answer: to give ease to the shopper by allowing him/her/it to select a large number of items that would ordinarily be impossible to carry on one's own. "Ease" here is a word that means "to make something ordinarily difficult or rather impossible become possible or easy (and correspondingly cause no annoyances whatsoever)." The ease which the cart often provides me is quite regularly accompanied by one or both of two annoyances: the squeaky spinning singular wheel or the European style of all 4 wheels having equal mobility resulting in the rather difficult task of turning the cart right or left. 

     First off, the squeaky wheel. How often do you, upon entering the grocery store, being faced with the bazillion carts from which to choose and under the pressure of the public eye, quickly choose a cart only to regret the decision you made seconds later? I've experienced this many times. I find that after a few seconds of pushing my cart down the aisles, there happens to be one single wheel that does not believe in conformity. This wheel has ventured into a realm of its own, leaving the others behind as it spins in quick 360 degree turns over and over again. As much as I would like to applaud the wheel for not bowing under peer pressure from his wheelie comrades, I do not. For what does this spinning wheel mean for me, the casual shopper? An irritating squeaking noise that persists through the entirety of my shopping experience. Not acceptable.

    Secondly, when I stayed in France I discovered the European shopping cart. Their style makes no sense whatsoever to me. All four wheels of these carts have full fluidity of movement. Meaning, none of the wheels serve as an anchor. Whereas here in the states, the front two wheels of the carts have this fluidity while the back two can't turn right or left. I didn't realize how much I appreciated the stabilizing wheels until I loaded a cart down in France and then attempted to turn right into an aisle. Instead of actually getting the cart to turn, I ended up crashing into the aisle display itself making a loud noise and getting many stares ( probably accompanied by "stupid American" mutterings under their breath). But in my defense, making any semblance of a sharp turn with these buggies is absolutely impossible. Control of the cart is minimal as each wheel has a mind of its own in this situation. And what, may I ask, is this world coming to if we, the consumer, lose control of the grocery trolley? Not acceptable.

     Oh and have you ever seen those carts that require coins in order to use them?  They are common in Europe but I've seen them here in the States too at places such as IKEA (which happens to be one of the best stores in the world and not just because of their nifty furniture... ever had their meatballs? No? Go. Now. I mean it. Why are you still reading this? They are INCREDIBLE... especially with the lingonberry sauce. YUM). Um where were we? Oh yeah coin-required buggys. See, the problem lies in those times where you are in a hurry and/or can't find or don't have any coinage on you because then you are left with no options for carts (and really, there is only so much furniture one can carry with their hands.. most I've managed is a loveseat and three bookcases and that was pushing it for me). Have I mentioned the meatballs that IKEA has? I suppose there are good aspects of these coin-required carts in that the only way to get the coin back is if you return the buggy to its original location. This would eliminate the extraordinarily annoying carts in parking spots that make Walmart a nightmare to park at. Meatballs.That is, it would if everyone actually cared enough to get their coins back. I still feel like people would be too lazy to care and the problem would persist, especially if it's just a quarter they would be losing. And that is most definitely not acceptable.

In conclusion, viva la meatball!!! Oh sorry... did I get off topic? That doesn't happen often (meatballs). Well, I guess all that is left to say is that while the grocery trolley does indeed benefit mankind in many ways that does not negate the small peculiarities that are unnecessary and annoying. Perhaps that's just me, but I guarantee we've all been annoyed by Mr. Squeaky Wheel at least once in our lifetime.. can I hear an amen (followed by a resounding MEATBALL!)???