DRAGONS!!! er... I mean.. something that annoys me!

I recently saw the movie "How to Train Your Dragon." It was amazing and I'd highly recommend anyone going to see it. The animation is beautiful, the story is good and the dragons are awesome! Do you have a dragon? Because I want a dragon. I'll do anything for a dragon. Dragons are fan-freakin-tastic. Can haz dragon pleeeease??? Ahem, anyways, this movie starts off by talking about the "pests" that are the dragons who attack their village.. then after the story, Hiccup, the main boy, ends the movie by saying "the best thing about this village is the pets." Good play on words and good tie-in to the beginning- overall, just plain good (also, I thought this was cool! "Pest" and "pets" have the same letters... anyone else catch this?).


This post has absolutely nothing to do with the movie, but I loved it so much I had to mention it. Maybe I'll incorporate some elusive connection somewhere... hmmm. Okay, moving on... so when we were little, my sister and I got into fights quite often (surprise!). I remember the day my sister discovered the perfect way to exact revenge upon me after I did something exceptionally mean to her. She realized that by throwing one of my precious paperback books across the room, I would be devastated. At that time of my life, there were few things worse than my book covers or pages getting bent. You can imagine my distraught look of suppressed fuming anger and aggravation when I would go to pick up the thrown literary magnificence. I would pick it up, gently fold it back into shape, then place heavy books or something to that effect on top of it to try and restore it's original beauty. Needless to say, I would not be happy with my sister for a few days after that..

By the way, have I mentioned to you how sick and awesome dragons are?!!? I mean, LOOK at them! So freaking cool! Oh and now that I think of it, this is something I do not understand. How did "sick" being "infected with disease" become a term to describe something of awesome value?? It makes no sense to me. "Dude, did you see that infected with disease wave I rode, bro? It was incredible dude, man, bro!" Yeah.. um.. no. And while we are on the subject, how about gay meaning "homosexual" or "having a merry/lively mood"? This is another term I fail to understand with how it is used today. "Gosh, my computer's acting so homosexual and/or merry today! It won't let me upload this file" Oh ok. I see (not really).

Ok back on subject ( I get distracted oft.. did someone say dragons?! *looks around* Crap. False alarm...). Anyways, books. My books continue to be precious to me to this day, quite obviously as I've been an English major for the past 3 years and have had to literally swim in book after book after book. And while I still attempt to take very good care of the ones I own, I admit the occasional bent cover is not QUITE as bothersome to me as it was before. I mean, as long as it's small. And not intentional. And not one of my Harry Potter books. Ahem. But yes, I guess I've grown a little accustomed to the "used book " look. You could almost say it's like in "How to Train Your Dragon" (HAHA! I DID IT!!!) when the dragons they originally hated become the best parts of their village. Except not quite that drastic (ok so it almost worked).. I won't explode when I see it anymore, but I'm not asking for bent covers, that's for sure.

Gesundheit

I don't know about you, but on the often occasion, I sneeze. A lot. I don't mean I sneeze in two's every 3 hours or so. More like I sneeze in 20's... every morning, noon and night. Ask anyone that has had the pleasure of living with me at one point in my life and they will testify to the fact that I sneeze an obnoxious amount of times. Add to this the fact that my sneezes are the opposite of cute. They are anti-cute. They are the epitome of the big, ugly, giant sneeze that would appear to be blowing your brain cells out at the same time. All this loveliness combined makes for one huge mess of annoying-ness, not only for me, the sneezer, but also for you, the casual bystander who never asked to experience such noise.

The biggest problem with this pet peeve of mine is that there really is no solution. Sneezing always has been, and most likely always will be, a big part of my life. Granted, there are those moments where sneezing is a relief and needs to be done, but when it gets ultra excessive and uber loud then it needs to cease.  At this point, being the sneezy pro that I am, I've experimented with various methods to prevent such sneezes. I shall illustrate said methods for you below. For your convenience, I have graded them according to how effective or ineffective they are.


1) Put a tissue/handkerchief/napkin/papertowel/cardboard to your nose for approximately 7 seconds. The result will more than likely be sneezing anyway, but at least you will catch whatever flies out in what you are holding to your nose.
Effectiveness level: -23

2) Plug your nose. When I tried this, I typically ended up stalling the sneeze long enough to build up pressure so immense that my nose literally forced my fingers to fly off my face. If that sounds fun to you, do this one!
Effectiveness level: -15

3) Hold the bridge of your nose between your thumb and forefinger (of one hand). The harder you squeeze, the more the sneeze urge dissipates. If you start hearing the subtle sounds of snapping (similar to the cracking of bones, but definitely NOT that *cough*) stop. Don't ask why. Just trust me. Letting yourself sneeze would be better at this point.
Effectiveness level: 2

4) Place your thumb on the roof of your mouth. "Wait, wasn't this the solution for getting rid of brain freezes??" "Shhhhh... now is not the time for questions, young one." It works for both. And no, you don't look like a stupid face when you do it. Pinky promise.
Effectiveness level: 6

5) Punch yourself in the face.
Effectiveness level: 18

6) Jump off the edge of a very tall place i.e. the Eiffel Tower, Grand Canyon, Mt. Everest. Nothing gets rid of the urge to sneeze like knock-the-breath-out-of-ya wind in yo face... the rest doesn't matter. **
Effectiveness level: 1593

**Disclaimer: I've never actually attempted this one myself, however, I've never heard bad things about this method. Come to think of it, I've never heard anything about this method... hmm. 


Unfortunately, in my case, none of these methods permanently get rid of my excessive sneezing problem. To compensate, I've decided to make sneezing an entertaining moment not only for myself but for my listeners. Instead of the normal "ach-oo" I've changed things up a bit, added a little pizazz, if you will. I've got an amazing build-up sequence which includes much "aaa, aa, aaa!"-ing followed by some noises I've affectionately termed "flibity-dijibbit" which sound similar to someone trying very hard NOT to sneeze (it's clever, really, because I'm fooling my listeners.. gonna take them by surprise, yeah!). Finally, for the sneeze itself, I rear back and let out a huge "AAAAABIIII CHOOOOEEEEEEEEEYYYYY" which results in forcing my head forward. So, I get huge range of motion AND blow the minds of my listeners as they've been taken by surprise of the sheer noise and originality of said sneeze. You may think I'm making all of this up, but I'm not. Ask my mom.

So yes, sneezes are annoying to me, but I've managed to work around them and make them a little less aggravating and a little more entertaining. If you would like to hear samples of what I have talked about, come hang out with me for a day. I promise, you will not be disappointed. 

Next up...

You know what's annoying? Really short insignificant blog posts.