Gesundheit

I don't know about you, but on the often occasion, I sneeze. A lot. I don't mean I sneeze in two's every 3 hours or so. More like I sneeze in 20's... every morning, noon and night. Ask anyone that has had the pleasure of living with me at one point in my life and they will testify to the fact that I sneeze an obnoxious amount of times. Add to this the fact that my sneezes are the opposite of cute. They are anti-cute. They are the epitome of the big, ugly, giant sneeze that would appear to be blowing your brain cells out at the same time. All this loveliness combined makes for one huge mess of annoying-ness, not only for me, the sneezer, but also for you, the casual bystander who never asked to experience such noise.

The biggest problem with this pet peeve of mine is that there really is no solution. Sneezing always has been, and most likely always will be, a big part of my life. Granted, there are those moments where sneezing is a relief and needs to be done, but when it gets ultra excessive and uber loud then it needs to cease.  At this point, being the sneezy pro that I am, I've experimented with various methods to prevent such sneezes. I shall illustrate said methods for you below. For your convenience, I have graded them according to how effective or ineffective they are.


1) Put a tissue/handkerchief/napkin/papertowel/cardboard to your nose for approximately 7 seconds. The result will more than likely be sneezing anyway, but at least you will catch whatever flies out in what you are holding to your nose.
Effectiveness level: -23

2) Plug your nose. When I tried this, I typically ended up stalling the sneeze long enough to build up pressure so immense that my nose literally forced my fingers to fly off my face. If that sounds fun to you, do this one!
Effectiveness level: -15

3) Hold the bridge of your nose between your thumb and forefinger (of one hand). The harder you squeeze, the more the sneeze urge dissipates. If you start hearing the subtle sounds of snapping (similar to the cracking of bones, but definitely NOT that *cough*) stop. Don't ask why. Just trust me. Letting yourself sneeze would be better at this point.
Effectiveness level: 2

4) Place your thumb on the roof of your mouth. "Wait, wasn't this the solution for getting rid of brain freezes??" "Shhhhh... now is not the time for questions, young one." It works for both. And no, you don't look like a stupid face when you do it. Pinky promise.
Effectiveness level: 6

5) Punch yourself in the face.
Effectiveness level: 18

6) Jump off the edge of a very tall place i.e. the Eiffel Tower, Grand Canyon, Mt. Everest. Nothing gets rid of the urge to sneeze like knock-the-breath-out-of-ya wind in yo face... the rest doesn't matter. **
Effectiveness level: 1593

**Disclaimer: I've never actually attempted this one myself, however, I've never heard bad things about this method. Come to think of it, I've never heard anything about this method... hmm. 


Unfortunately, in my case, none of these methods permanently get rid of my excessive sneezing problem. To compensate, I've decided to make sneezing an entertaining moment not only for myself but for my listeners. Instead of the normal "ach-oo" I've changed things up a bit, added a little pizazz, if you will. I've got an amazing build-up sequence which includes much "aaa, aa, aaa!"-ing followed by some noises I've affectionately termed "flibity-dijibbit" which sound similar to someone trying very hard NOT to sneeze (it's clever, really, because I'm fooling my listeners.. gonna take them by surprise, yeah!). Finally, for the sneeze itself, I rear back and let out a huge "AAAAABIIII CHOOOOEEEEEEEEEYYYYY" which results in forcing my head forward. So, I get huge range of motion AND blow the minds of my listeners as they've been taken by surprise of the sheer noise and originality of said sneeze. You may think I'm making all of this up, but I'm not. Ask my mom.

So yes, sneezes are annoying to me, but I've managed to work around them and make them a little less aggravating and a little more entertaining. If you would like to hear samples of what I have talked about, come hang out with me for a day. I promise, you will not be disappointed.